The ocean: it’s mysterious, it’s big, it’s got Jason Mamoa living in it, and I once wanted to devote my life to exploring and researching it. In many ways, I’d still love to; I have the desire to take up SCUBA lessons. If only COVID would go away, I could do so.
Anyways, we’re going to be taking a trip really far down into the ocean. So get on the S.S. Vertigo—which is in no way related to the RMS Vertigo. That’s only used for committing ecological catastrophes inland. You see, dear reader: today’s story is one I’ve been meaning to cover because I have only one source for it and even it doesn’t really have much faith in it. Still, it’s quirk and peculiar enough that I think it warrants a bit of attention. So, let’s head back into the pages of the Encyclopedia of Cryptozoology and talk about the Mariana Trench Sea Serpent.
The Story
Wait, wait. Hold on. The Mariana Trench? You mean the Mariana Trench? The thing that’s 36,037 feet (10,984 meters) deep? That Mariana Trench?
Oh lordy.
Known as the deepest point in the world—and featured on the conspiracy iceberg with the “Mariana Trench Bone Pit” (we’ll talk about that next year, God willing)—the Mariana Trench is home to more mysteries than I have fingers. At least, I like to think so. It’s a fascinating, mysterious location that’s ripe for storytelling.
Sadly, such mystery also brings with it some very odd things that are brought to the table by quacks. One of those stories comes from the Russian newspaper Pravda. In an article from September 20, 2003, it was reported that a group of Japanese marine biologists. Their mission: to film some deep-sea sharks. Because this was 2003 and technology was more or less caveman-tier back then, they had to make do with what must’ve been really weaksauce 240p stuff. They should’ve invested in Titan GX 7500’s or whatever those graphics cards are.
After lowering some chum down to about 4,750 feet, they got what they wanted: sharks! Chomp chomp goes the sharks. That is, until a 195 foot (59.4 meter) long monstrosity emerged and went chompity chomp chomp. Then, presumably, it went back down into the deeps, dabbing like a champ over a decade before it caught on in the dry world.
According to Pravda, the marine biologists weren’t sure exactly what the heck they had just witnessed, let alone filmed. No frames have ever been released because that would reveal that this story is as real as my second girlfriend.
I tried to do some snooping around on the Internet—whether it simply be trying to find the original newspaper article or finding information about the Mariana Trench Bone Pit, but nothing ever came to be for me. Whether this is due to my ineptitude or the article having never been posted online and Michael Newton simply having found it via niche reports from lower-end newspapers, I haven’t the faintest idea. I’m inclined to say it’s sloppy detective work on my end though.
So where does that leave us? Well, we have a story that I can only vouch for in a book I own. We have a ginormous sea serpent that’s almost double the length of a Blue Whale moseying around in the depths of our oceans. We also have a pleb-tier writer wasting his time talking about this story. I guess that means we can move onto the theories section!
Theories
1. It was a sea serpent
Our first theory is that it was a real sea serpent. Claims of these things existing aren’t exclusive to the Mariana Trench—you can see that if you look at Loch Ness, Lake Champlain, Lake This, Lake That, and Lake Baikal. So why should something 30,000+ feet deep be any different? Well, I guess the pressure would make it unlikely that it could survive, but hey, what do I know? It’s not like I wanted to be an oceanographer and marine biologist at one point. I’m just some lowly dink on the Internet. God help me, I’m going to go crazy if I keep writing things like this.
2. It was tabloid journalism at its finest
The second and final theory is that it’s complete nonsense made up by hack journalists to present something so astonishingly stupid that it can’t feasibly be taken seriously. Unfortunately, that means people who compile stories of cryptids are obligated to mention them, even if they realize that it’s total nonsense. Or, if you’re like me, you want to present the travesties some people believe in.
My Take
It was all garbage; nothing more than tabloid journalism. There isn’t enough food down in the Mariana Trench to sustain a creature as massive as this. It would starve to death. I don’t care if there’s an entire population of them, there’s no way this thing could thrive. I’d have an easier time believing in the Venusian Scorpion we talked about the other day—and I don’t have the patience to think of twenty other things that I’d sooner believe in. How on Earth this could’ve been published in anything outside of Weekly World News is flabbergasting, but I guess that’s what you get when you have state-run media.
God, I dread what we may get here in the States when enough time passes.
Breaking news: blogger discovers life within his nostrils.
Local blogspot author Vertigo has discovered smexy lady elves living in his nostrils, using his nose hair as stripper poles.
“It was the most dank thing ever, bro,” Vertigo said to an anonymous reporter. “I then ripped one out and sacrificed her to Moloch in an attempt to gain the power of invisibility, but it failed because I accidentally ate her.”
Vertigo was subsequently charged with first-degree murder and faces up to life in prison.
Hm. Nah, I doubt anyone will catch on to my secret dungeon filled with Yamashita’s Gold.
Conclusion
Glub glub, I’m going for a swim.
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