Valentine's Day Special: I Love You, COVID-19 (A "Review")

Oh hi there, dear reader. Welcome to my deep cleaned domain—one which has been approved by the CDC, FDA, WHO, and even by Doctor Fauci. As you can tell: this is the yearly Valentine’s Day special. It’s also one which I slapped together because I’m still recovering from having the Coronavirus.

Well, I’ve technically gotten over the bloody thing. However, its lingering effects have caused a great deal of discomfort and frustration for me. Namely, a cough which has made it next to impossible for me to talk to anyone, let alone find solace in existing. Most of my days are spent with me coughing like I’m choking on a vitamin. It’s honestly one of the most unbearable things I’ve had to endure in recent memory.

Anyways, for this Valentine’s Day special, we’ll be reviewing COVID-19 in a completely tongue-in-cheek manner. I say that because I know there is someone out there who will take something entitled I Love You, COVID-19 seriously. So come along, I’m going to spend about 2,000 words being an utter clown talking about my life.

Also, I’ll probably whine about not being able to live my normal life. Anyways, tallyho!

Knock On Wood: A “Review” of COVID-19

I really should know better than to declare to my friends that the new year won’t be like the old one, and I absolutely will write a lot. I really should know better than to hope for good things. After all, I’m nothing if not proof that Murphy’s Law is real!

Back at the end of January—and I mean the absolute end of January (it was the 31st)—I’d started to feel a little bit depressed. At the time, I thought that I may be entering a depressive phase like I did last January, so I figured that if that was going to be the case, I would counteract it by doing smaller write-ups—likely reviews and other random things to keep myself occupied while I waited for things to return to normal.

However, that evening, my mother told me that she’d taken a COVID test, and it came back positive. I wasn’t surprised; my father had been feeling under the weather for a while. He had also taken a COVID test, but it came back negative (this would change later). Everything pointed towards it being the virus though; he’d been coughing, had chills, and was all around showing the symptoms.

I’d also always had a feeling that the virus would find its way to me, though I didn’t think it would be at the absolute end of the first month of the new year. Still, I decided if this is how it was going to be, I would make plans to write a review of my experience with the thing. My friends said it would be a fun idea, so here I am.

It took a bit for the virus to actually kick in. There wasn’t anything immediately apparent, but it was on the night of the second day that it finally hit me. It was like God Himself grabbed me and threw me into a wall. Everything just went south—really fast. My body ached, I felt weak, and my head was spinning. All I could do was collapse and go to sleep so I could escape feeling like utter trash.

From there, the virus did what it does best: make you feel like trash. I was weak, I had a fever of 101, I had chills accompanying said fever, and I had a headache.

Oh dear God did I have a headache.

There are some things in life that I’ve pondered for fun, but have never wanted to experience. What would it be like to be struck by lightning? What if Mike Tyson in his prime punched me in the face? What’s it like to have your foot get run over by a car? What’s it like to have your arm amputated? What’s it like to get bitten by a werewolf?

All of those questions and more I have pondered because I sometimes get so bored, I have nothing better to do with my day than let my mind wander as I watch time go by. However, I’ve never actually had any intention of finding out the answer to them because I have more than enough common sense to know all of them would result in bad things happening—especially the werewolf one. Though there is one question that was answered for me thanks to the headache gifted to me on a silver platter by COVID: what would it feel like if a pissed off chimpanzee took a mallet and bashed my headache like it was a game of whack-a-mole?

If I’m to be 100% honest: I was able to handle the virus itself fine. I’ve been way, way sicker than I was with COVID. I’ve had strep throat numerous times in my life; I had a fever of 105.3 once. COVID, at its heart, was nothing exceptional. It felt like a case of the flu mixed with a really awful cold. Though the headache I had at the peak of it was one of the worst I’ve ever had. I couldn’t rest my head on a pillow without this horrendous pain coursing through it. The few times I managed to fall asleep, I woke up not long after because I shifted, and the pain was too much.

So I guess I should thank COVID for answering one of the many dumb questions I’ve pondered in my moments of boredom. Thank you, dearest virus, you’ve given me an answer I didn’t know I needed in my life. You’re a real human bean and a real hero.

Anywhoozle: the virus went away after a few days. After the second or third day, I was back to being able to do regular things, like play video games and play more video games. I even got the new Pokemon game, Pokemon Legends: Arceus! Well, I didn’t get it. I had my father get it because he was the only one who could actually go outside without spreading the virus. Still, I got that so I could enjoy something while quarantined; I have the intention of writing a review for it. Or, well, I am writing a review for it. Does this even qualify as a review anymore? It feels more like a diary entry. Oh whatever, let’s move on.

Once the virus had gone away, I thought back on it and wondered how bad it truly was. Granted, I can’t really grade my experience on some sort of scale since I’d gotten the vaccine and that’s meant to curb the severity of the virus (or it’s the Mark of the Beast—it depends on who you are). Though even with said vaccine, it still really sucked major Redwood Tree branch-nuts. I mean, having a killer headache, chills, body aches, and not being able to do much of anything besides lie in bed 

However, at the same time, I can’t help but feel like the entire experience was nowhere near as bad I imagined it would be. I’d heard the horror stories of the virus and figured it would be significantly more intense than it was. So I feel like I’d been sold Lord of the Rings, but in reality, got Maradonia and the Seven Bridges. As a result, I demand a refund and want my time back. How does one go about suing a virus? Someone please tell me in the comments section and give me the name of a really good lawyer.

All joking aside, there is one thing that remains that I want to talk about: the aftermath of the virus. Although one can go about debating whether or not the vaccine is safe or the Mark of the Beast (something that I have zero interest in doing because I think the whole discussion is a waste of time; you aren’t going to sway anyone’s opinion with your argument[s]), I feel there’s one thing that can’t be disputed. That is how wretched the aftermath of the virus is.

Ever since the God forsaken thing went away, I’ve been stuck with a perpetual cough that will not go away. I’ve taken cough medicine, I’ve taken cold medicine, I’ve eaten my pillow, nothing will make the thing go away. As I said at the very start, I can’t even talk to anyone because it’ll irritate my throat and I’ll begin coughing nonstop. Heck, even as I type this, I’m still coughing! I think my laptop screen is going to get the virus by the time I’m done typing this. Oh no, Mr. Laptop, you’ve got a fever of 107.3! Oh wait, that’s because I haven’t properly cleaned the fans. Never mind, carry on and melt the motherboard so I have to pay people to fix you.

Anyways, the aftermath is, in my eyes, somehow even worse than the actual virus. That didn’t last long—just a few days. This, however, has been going on for nearly two weeks and won’t stop. At this point, I don’t even want to write because every few seconds, I have a coughing fit. The only reason I’m even writing this is I don’t want to go a year without a silly Valentine’s Day special—I’ve done one in 2019, 2020, and last year. If I had things my way, I’d be internally screaming as I play Pokemon and pretend that I’m simply doing stuff for future write-ups. Well, technically I am, but that’s besides the point.

Though with that, we come to today. I’m still coughing—becoming short of breath a few times because of it. I feel exhausted from not having a day of peace since the end of January. I have no idea when I’ll actually feel like myself and not a trainwreck. I also can’t go to a wedding I was looking forward to this month because of the stupid virus. All things considered: life sucks a lot right now, and COVID-19 is to blame. Though amazingly, it isn’t even because the virus itself was a terrible experience. Rather, it’s because everything that came after it is to blame. I never thought that could happen, but here we are!

I can’t really add much more to this than that, so I guess that brings us to the end. Honestly, I don’t really know what the point of this blog was. It didn’t feel like a “review”, but I guess that doesn’t matter. This was just meant to be something fun since I wanted to actually write something, so I didn’t feel like a lazy bum. So let’s get to the final verdict.

Final Verdict

It sucked. No, really, that’s it. While I may have not made it out to be the worst thing ever—I mean heck, I did say I felt like it was nowhere near as bad as some made it out to be (though I did mean this in a rather tongue-in-cheek manner)—that doesn’t mean I didn’t think the virus sucked. It was a miserable experience through and through. I absolutely hated it, and I hate where I am now even more. I’d really wanted to start this year off on the right foot with writing, but I feel like each day is a repeat of the last: I cough and cough and cough until I’m exhausted. I haven’t had a real day of tranquility in weeks, nor have I been able to talk to friends without endlessly coughing. So yeah, it sucked. A lot. Big time.

Final Score: Simon Kinberg

It’s below an F in other words. This is because Simon Kinberg is a hack who can’t write or direct. Seriously man, you ruined Dark Phoenix twice. Shame on thee!

Conclusion

I’m beginning to think that taking a vacation at the start of January is bad luck. I can’t wait for future me to do it again next year and end up being shot by a bank robber. So until next time: take care, stay happy, and don’t get the Coronavirus.

Oh yeah, and my dog accidentally scratched me when we were playing a few days ago, so now I have two gnarly scars on my left hand. It hurts when it goes under water. Anyone know some cream I can use to make it not hurt? Thanks!